Understanding my unborn baby

Bonding and attachment both mean feeling close, but they are a little different. Bonding is how a parent starts to feel love for their baby, even before the baby is born. Attachment is the strong, lasting love a baby feels for the person who takes care of them. This is not always easy and can sometimes take a lot of effort to start and build.

You can start getting to know your baby even before they are born! This can help you feel close to your baby, and your baby can start to get to know you too. Babies can hear sounds from around halfway through your pregnancy (20 weeks) and can also feel touch and see light. The things babies hear and feel in the womb can help them understand the world after they are born. Babies feel safe when they hear kind, gentle voices and feel soft touches during pregnancy.

Help with bonding and attachment

There are lots of fun and simple ways to get to know your baby while they are still growing, both for you and your partner:

• Talking to bump. It might feel a bit funny at first, but that’s okay! You can tell your baby about your day or even sing them a song.
• Playing music. Pick music you like, something that makes you feel good and might make your baby feel good too! Just make sure it’s not too loud. Your baby might start to notice the same song if you play it often, maybe even a theme from your favourite TV show!
• Touching bump. Gently place your hands on your tummy. This can help you feel close to your baby.
• Think about your baby. Take a quiet moment each day to imagine what your baby might look like or what they might be doing inside your tummy. Try relaxing and connecting with them through positive thoughts and feelings.
• Use an app. Some apps, like Baby Buddy, can show you how your baby is growing. This can help you feel excited and more connected.

• • NHS Start for life: Week by week guide to pregnancy
  • The Baby Buddy app
  • Leeds Teaching Hospitals NHS Trust: Baby Bubble Leeds
  • UNICEF: Happy baby leaflet

Preparation for birth and beyond

Did you know that you can do a free 4 week course in Leeds called Preparation for Birth and Beyond (PBB). This course has four sessions before your baby is born and one session after.

It helps you get ready for all the changes a new baby brings.

The course is helpful because it supports you to understand what your baby feels and learn how to care for your baby’s needs.

It can be done in person at a children’s centre or online.

Book your place on the 0 to 19 public health integrated nursing service events on Eventbrite (your midwife can help you if you need support with this).

Understanding why bonding with your unborn baby is feeling difficult?

There are many reasons why having a baby might feel difficult. It can sometimes make bonding harder if you:

• had a difficult childhood
• have had upsetting or frightening things happen to you
• found it hard to get pregnant
• have lost a baby before
• have problems in your relationships
• feel lonely
• feel sad, worried, or not like yourself
• have worries about money or where you live

We think of these as bumps in the road

Our bonding journeys are different, but some things on our journey can make it harder. Some families might encounter one bump, others may encounter many.

1. Trauma
2. Premature birth
3. Loss
4. Illness
5. Assisted conception
6. Lack of support or isolation
7. Expectations:
   • Cultural
   • Societal
   • Individual
   • Family

If you feel unsure, worried, or something doesn’t feel right, it is really important to talk to someone. You can speak to your midwife or your doctor (GP). They are there to help you and your baby.

How your baby’s brain grows before birth

Your pregnancy is split into 3 stages:

First trimester (weeks 1 to 12):

• Brain basics: Your baby’s brain starts to form very early in pregnancy.
• Early movements: Around 5 weeks, tiny nerve connections begin, allowing your baby to make small movements.
• Getting stronger: By 8 to 10 weeks, your baby can move their arms, legs, and even suck their thumb.
• Tiny fingerprints: By week 10 to 12, your baby’s fingerprints are fully formed and totally unique! Not even identical twins have the same pattern.

Second trimester (weeks 13 to 26)

• Practice breathing: Your baby starts making breathing movements to get ready for life outside.
• Sucking and swallowing: They practice sucking and swallowing, which helps them feed after birth.
• Recognising sounds: By 24 weeks, your baby can hear sounds like your voice and heartbeat.
• Eyebrows and eyelashes: By week 26 your baby has both of these!

Third trimester (weeks 27 to 40)

• Brain growth: Your baby’s brain grows a lot, tripling in size.
• Learning before birth: They can recognize familiar sounds and even get used to them.
• Seeing light: Your baby can blink in response to light and may see some colours.
• Facial expressions: Babies can squint, smile, and frown. This helps to strengthen the tiny muscles they’ll use to show feelings once they are born.

Staying close

Babies love to stay close after they are born, we think of this as the “fourth trimester”. It feels like being back in the womb, warm, safe, and calm.
Before your baby is born, it helps to think about why staying close is so important. If you think this may be something that you may find difficult, please talk to your midwife or health visitor.

Fourth trimester

Your baby loves to be close to you. This builds trust and develops secure attachment relationships. Hold your baby, it will be worth it.

The womb

• Warm and dark
• Heartbeat and breathing
• Small rhythmic movements
• Soft boundary
• Soft touch
• Contained and snug

World

• Cold and bright
• Large harsh sounds
• Large sudden movements
• Hard surfaces
• Firm grip
• Emptiness
• Hunger
• Thirst
• Strange
• Insecure
• Unfamiliar

In arms

• Warm and dark
• Heartbeat and breathing
• Small rhythmic movements
• Soft boundary
• Soft touch
• Contained and snug
• Feels like home
• Safe, secure, familiar

Help with feelings for both you and baby

Being pregnant and getting ready to be a parent can bring lots of changes. It’s normal for a lot of mixed feelings to be experienced.

Sometimes you may feel happy and excited because you can’t wait to meet your baby. Sometimes you may feel tired or worried because your body is changing or you might feel anxious about how you are going to cope once your baby is born. You might feel love growing for your baby every day or may not feel very close to the baby yet. All these feelings are okay, but if you are having some difficult feelings, it is important to share them with someone that you can trust. This could be a partner, family member or close friend or it could be a professional such as your midwife or health visitor.

Feel-good hormones (like oxytocin) and stress hormones (like cortisol) help shape how a baby’s brain grows before they are born.

These hormones work like a seesaw, when one goes up, the other goes down.

When you are happy and calm, your baby feels that too.
When you feel stressed or sad, your baby can feel that as well.

It’s important to have more feel-good hormones and less stress when you’re having a baby, but that’s not always easy and some feelings of stress are expected.

So, what can help?

• Talk to someone you trust
• Take deep breaths
• Go for a walk
• Listen to music you enjoy
• Rest when you can
• Spend time with people who make you feel good
• Ask for help when you need it
• A warm bath or shower
• Gentle exercise if you are used to exercising
• Doing something creative

• NHS Start for life: Pregnancy
• NHS: Healthier together
• NHS: Keeping well in pregnancy
• Tommy’s: 7 ways to look after yourself in pregnancy
• The Baby Buddy app
• MindWell
• Leeds Mental Wellbeing service